Old Man Winter’s frigid grip has finally loosened and we’re free of his icy prison for another year. (Don’t get the wrong idea: I don’t hate winter as much as I hate the snow, the cold and the lack of daylight.)
But here’s the good news: with the warmer temperatures comes the desire to indulge Man’s greatest instinct – and I’m not referring to painting oneself wild colors and screaming at referees – but rather, travel. The longing to explore strange new worlds and civilizations actually predates Bill Shatner’s voice overs and has helped define our role as the dominant species on this mudball.
Simply put, travel is in our blood.
So as you tranquilize the rugrats, overload the minivan and download routes into your GPS (Sometimes I actually miss maps you could never refold or understand. Remember them?), bear something in mind: if you’re not willing to have fun while traveling, you’re better off staying home and punishing yourself in a less painful manner. Like watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo reruns, for example.
But if you’re willing to truly commit yourself and give this travel thing a whirl, here is a little guide to spotting and identifying some of the colorful creatures you’re sure to see along the way.
1) THE EXPERT: This one’s easy. This is the guy or gal you’ll most likely come across in the parking garage or valet deck of your hotel. They’ll be doling out unwanted advice to a bellman or their spouse on packing or unpacking their vehicle. For that matter, they’ll be dishing out tips on every single facet of the travel experience to anyone who will listen.
Dining companions will be enlightened about the many flaws of the restaurant, the servers and of course, the food.
Anyone in earshot will hear about how inefficient the check-in experience is and how it can be fixed in one easy step.
The housekeepers are sloppy.
The valet drivers are reckless.
The fun never starts.
2) THE TRAVELING HOOKER: They prefer to be referred to as “escorts” or “paid companions” nowadays, but they’ll always be hookers to me. They may be a little more difficult to spot for some but just look for these telltale signs.
Their “friend” – to be precise, his name is John – is always waaay out of his league.
Watch for a few moments and you’ll see her develop a look of quiet desperation whenever he isn’t looking, which is often, as they rarely make eye contact. (That’s her mind coming to grips with what her hands have to come to grips with to make a living.)
She may be traveling with a colleague. Some guys like to really push themselves and stock up on the hookers – and if they’re smart, the vitamins – while traveling.
If you feel your skills are polished enough, try looking for the Traveling Hooker with the female client. (Yes, they’re actually out there.) The female clients are also out of their weight class, but the difference lies in the eyes of their companions; hookers that cater to lesbians don’t seem so jaded and desperate for some reason. Although they do tend to have a distinctive way of walking…
3) THE UFC COUPLE: As in “Unlimited Fighting Couple”, as in that couple everyone knows that seem to fight everywhere they go. They’re easy to spot: they’re the people who make everyone around them cringe and think “Maybe my relationship isn’t so bad – and we’ve exchanged gunfire!”
The bicker about who is going to park and who is going to check-in.
They bicker about the results of their respective tasks.
In hushed tones and close talking, screaming, they bicker at dinner.
And of course, they bicker at night, when the noises from their room should be carnal in nature.
Speaking of which, next up…
4) THE AMATEUR ADULT FILM STAR COUPLE: Needless to say, the noises emanating from their room – and the public hot tub, the elevator, the roof and even the maintenance shop – are definitely carnal in nature and make an HBO program look like something you’d find on PBS! Another interesting fact about these two animals: 99% of the time they’re unmarried or newlyweds…
5) THE PACK OF COUGARS: Soccer moms or even grandmas during the week, older versions of any female you’d see on MTV on the weekend. Cougars are deadly enough individually, but in a pack they have been known to lay waste to entire hotels in a single weekend. You can always spot a cougar by the tight vintage clothing, the excessive make-up/Boto, and the low growling and excessive drool.
Fun Fact: In North America, a bellman/bartender/hotel employee is mauled by a cougar every fifteen minutes. That time is reduced by half in the summer. Survivors all say the same thing when questioned by authorities: “They all looked like my mom’s friends from her book club. I feel so… unclean.”
6) THE WILD CHILD: To be clear, I am referring to that one ridiculously loud child who is literally bouncing off the walls of the lobby. (I guarantee the kid had two Red Bulls before noon.) The Wild Child’s progenitors are parents in name only, and allow their larvae to run amok rather than undertaking the all-too difficult task of actually providing the guidance and friendship necessary to produce a productive, civilized member of society.
This rugrat on acid will test your resolve, but stay strong, friends. Sooner or later the Wild Child will grow up to be a Walmart manager and fate will have exacted revenge on your behalf.
7) THE HARDCORE GAMBLER: There are a few things to look for when scoping out a hotel lobby in search of this individual.
His attire is several years out of date and dirty. (Money is for gambling, not clothes shopping!)
His hair is messy.
His eyes are bloodshot.
Naturally, his bling is plentiful and has most likely been pawned several times.
There are high-end Hardcore Gamblers, but they are a mutant offshoot of the species and rarely emerge from casinos as the harsh light of day has been known to blind them permanently.
One last item of note concerning the Hardcore Gambler: found primarily in areas with organized gambling dens nearby, this individual is prone to mood swings that have been known to become violent. When he’s on a roll, he’s the life of the party, the kind of guy everyone loves. When Lady Luck is not smiling favorably upon him, your best bet is to run for cover.
THE SWAMP DONKEY: Admittedly, I am not a big fan of the term, which originated in fraternities and bars across North America, but in some cases it certainly applies, hence its inclusion here. Swamp Donkeys are similar to Cougars in that they both prefer to travel in packs. However, there are a few distinctions.
They are younger, certainly, but also their nubile forms have yet to display the ravages of alcohol, tobacco or recreational drug use.
“Personal massage devices” can be found in the luggage of most Swamp Donkeys. (To clarify, these devices have a hair trigger and seem to activate as soon as their owner enters a hotel. Cougars prefer to hunt for live, human conquests.)
9) BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE PARTIES: If you have children – or self-respect – avoid these individuals at all costs. They are out to do some serious damage before embarking on a lifetime (5 to 10 years, max) of matrimonial happiness. And that’s all I have to say about that – for now.
And finally…
10) THE HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED FAMILY: As far as I’m concerned, they’re an urban myth. Period.
In closing, bear in mind this guide has barely scratched the grimy sticky surface of the modern hospitality industry. I’ll be publishing further installments in the future. Assuming I survive the season, that is.
Enjoy life on the open road, folks.
[by Robert Hookey – Read more by Robert Hookey at http://www.youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com ]
Despite the obstreperous squeals from commenters, I wish to brave those emotionally labile Buffaloan denizens bereft of all humor in order to extend a compliment with a firm grin to our beloved Frank, for surely, Frank is a jolly good fellow through and through! Good show, Frank; in your next issue, double the dose of ire, then frapp
Hmmm… ya know, when first reading this story, I read it in a way that would put the author in the category of a Don Rickles or a Lisa Lampenelli type humor style… slingin’ some insults and some stereotypes with a wink towards politically incorrect humor. I understand how individuals might read any of the author’s descriptions (“attempts” at humor) and get offended, but had he threw a few insults towards the category of chubby bald guys, I know it would be a jesting zing at me, but not a stab me to wound me. Why? ‘Cuz I understand it is satire, sarcasm, and one person’s point of view. Who gives a shit what this author thinks or writes? Either way, the author is expressing himself and what he sees in his job as a professional bellman… he is writing whatever he wants to express and detail from his point of view. Think of him as a total asshole or a funny writer, whatever you want, but to say that you “can’t believe the NiagaraHub’s standards are this low” is total horseshit … the NiagaraHub’s standards may not be angelic and heavenly (as you can tell from this expletive filled comment rant!), but dammit, we are far from possessing “low standards.” Read us daily or stop in and see me personally and you’ll see that my standards are far from “low.” We aren’t the Vatican, the School Board or the PTA, we’ll publish far left ideals or views right along side far right ideals and points of view… if anything is submitted that is hurtful or unnecessarily “too far,” we reserve the right to delete or restrict publishing. Yes, yes, I know… bullying and racism and the evils of society exist everywhere and branding some of that as “humor” can sometimes be totally unfair and hurtful… but in this instance, that wasn’t the case. Mountains and molehills, etc. America needs to take a Valium.
Also Dear Careful Readers, it isn’t mentioned ONCE in this article any word about Niagara Falls, it is about hotels and travelers in general. Quit assuming… ‘cuz you know what assuming does.
Feel free to submit your stories, ideas, editorials or whatever creativity you want to express, we’ll post it and let the keyboard commentators have a field day.
We are not perfect, we don’t claim to be, and we certainly don’t want to be. We may not get it right every single time, but trust me, I’ll fight for MY beliefs and I’ll fight against anyone trying to unjustly hurt someone else… but seriously folks, the self-righteousness can go a bit too far sometimes.
Peace, love and happiness… pull a gun on me and I’ll put a daisy in the barrel.
Your pal, Stenz
This piece is disgustingly homophobic and not funny in the least. I am proud to have lived in the Falls and to be able to work there, but this is just embarrassing.
Perhaps you should consider that people actually read this stereotyped degradation when planning their vacations. Sadly those of us who live in the Falls are used to this kind of embarrassment. Either way this is a terrible piece of writing, I can’t believe the Niagarahub’s standards are this low. For those who are not from Niagara Falls, NY I suggest you read this ‘piece’ with an understanding that there are those who still exhibit the effects of living in Love Canal. Plan your visit accordingly.
“Lighten up, Francis….”
Wow you managed to offend a lot of people for zero laughs. Congratulations. Why don’t you explain that “certain walk” to me over a beer at Roxy’s?
I like the moto-router. Usually seen behind the wheel of an RV or pulling a trailer the size of Delaware. He knows every interstate highway by mile marker, and can name the route numbers that connect the 800 largest cities in America. “You’re from Omaha? Hell, I’ve been down that there 29 south to Council Bluffs, but now I take the 680 by-pass at mya-mark 142 and stop off at that Cracker Barrel up on the ridge. Ya know?”