The Hook’s Guide To Travel: Corporate Drone Edition [by Robert Hookey]

(Before we begin: Please bear in mind that this “guide” is directed at the 20% of business travelers who fail to exercise good judgement during company retreats and should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Also, no lesbians were harmed in the writing of this column.)

So you’re a low-level drone for a faceless corporate entity whose company has chosen Niagara Falls for the location of that dreaded age-old Big Business tradition: the out-of-town conference.

For many of us in the hospitality industry, Hell is translated into our language using two words: corporate retreat.

Don’t get me wrong, we realize how important Big Business is to maintaining a healthy bottom line – especially in the off-season – but conferences are the ultimate double-edged sword; they’ll keep your business alive, but they’ll challenge you in ways you could never have imagined.

In an attempt to keep my rather tenuous grip on my ever-fading sanity, I’ve designed this handy guide for corporate drones on the move. Although to be clear, it can easily be applied to teachers’ conferences, nursing retreats or any business function designed to test my patience.

PACKING:

Be smart when packing and think carefully about your choices. Sounds simple, right?

I’ve seen it a million times before: drones stumble into the lobby, their bags overstuffed, their briefcases bulging, their brains empty. They are a complete and total hot mess. Completely disorganized and disheveled.

And the conference hasn’t even started.

How do you expect to wrest that promotion away from that weasel Johnson if you can’t even get from Point A to Point B without wiping out in the lobby? (To clarify, I was speaking metaphorically, although, I have seen more than one corporate drone literally stumble to the ground.) Follow these guidelines and you’ll get where you’re going with a minimum of difficulty.

Be clear when checking in with the doorman/valet.

Some companies hold their functions in one location while housing their staff in another. Know where you’re supposed to be at all times!

Pack ONLY what you REALLY need.

Do the math in terms of having enough business attire to last and make sure you pack a few ties – food is designed to leap onto ties during conferences – and a pair of comfortable dress shoes and sneakers. This practice of packing only what you need and nothing more can be applied to your entire life at work. An uncluttered suitcase can lead to an uncluttered mind, grasshopper.

Use real luggage!

Keep the cloth shopping bags at home. Use a large suitcase if you’re small one is bulging. A billionaire – which I’m assuming you’re hoping to be someday – is organized at all times.

Pack the proper accessories – and bring extras!

Pack an extra phone charger and sunglasses if you need them. For that matter, any accessory designed to make your life easier should be carried in multiples. The last thing you want to do is waste valuable schmoozing time standing at the concierge desk waiting to beg for a phone charger while that weasel Johnson plants his lips firmly on your boss’ rotund behind….

Use a bellman, you cheap bugger!

I’m obviously biased, but think about it: you’re tired, confused and all you want is to get to the room so you can catch your breath before The Corporate Hunger Games, I mean the conference, can begin. So why not avail yourself of the services of someone who knows the lay of the land and can get you to your room quickly and easily? Trust me, it will be worth the five dollar tip.

So let’s assume you’ve made it to the room with a minimal amount of delay and trouble; now what? Your troubles are far from over, my friend.

UNPACKING:

Once again, organization is key. Companies will often have arranged for bell staff to deliver swag bags to their employees’ rooms and so you can believe me when I tell you that most corporate rooms make the dwelling of the average teenager look like the Garden of Eden.

The average hotel room of a “suit” will look like this:

Casual attire has been thrown about in the same manner a Simian hurls his own waste.
The ironing board always has an article of partially-pressed clothing hanging from it.
Open containers of food and drink are strewn about.
Itineraries and various work materials are haphazardly piled to form Mount St. Corporate Disaster in the middle of the room.

This is not the room of someone destined to climb the corporate ladder.

If your corporate paperwork is threatening to crush you, bring a bin.
Plenty of leftover food and drinks? Mankind recently invented something called a garbage can that may be just what you need.
Most hotels will install a closet equipped with at least two hangers for your clothing.

Consider this: During a conference the average company will have gifts delivered to the rooms of their employees. More often than not, a representative of the company will accompany a bellman to ensure the gifts are placed in the appropriate location in the room.

Employees that leave their rooms looking like Delta House (For the uninitiated that was the name of the frat house in the movie Animal House. If you didn’t know that, don’t tell anyone.), may very well not live to tell the tale…

A clean, organized room reflects your mental state, so focus and before you know it, you’ll be hobnobbing – whatever that actually is – with management on the golf course or strip club. (Trust me, both locations are equally popular with the corporate set.)

MINGLING:

This is key when attending a retreat. Never mind the latest innovations in number crunching or collating; the real action occurs between the boring speeches and the buffets, that’s when you make the contacts that can prove invaluable. But how do you do that, you ask?

LISTEN CLOSELY. Its really that simple. Just make whoever is speaking feel as though they’re giving the Gettysburg Address and you’ll win them over.

DON’T GOSSIP. Backstabbing may be a tradition in the business world, but taking the high road never fails to yield dividends. Ignore revealing the details of the latest corporate coupling and stick to the business at hand.

SELL YOURSELF, BUT NEVER BRAG. You’re a businessperson, so sell the most valuable commodity you have, but don’t be a fanatic about it.

And finally, the most valuable piece of advice I can share, cultivated from fifteen years of observing the corporate animal and split into two separate,yet equally valuable parts…

KEEP WORK AND PLAY SEPARATED, FOR THEY DO NOT MIX WELL!

As I scribble this message in a weathered notebook, a prostitute is slinking through the lobby after pausing at my desk for directions to a specific room, a room belonging to a married corporate drone whose luggage I delivered earlier. The gentleman has already dropped the ball and his retreat has barely begun.

If the bellman is aware of his shenanigans, how long before his colleagues clue in?

NEVER DIP YOUR PEN IN COMPANY INK!

Yes, quills are outdated, but the premise still holds water, especially during a conference. The forbidden nature of office romances make them an indulgence most drones cannot resist; that appeal is only heightened during a company retreat, so caution must be exercised. If you think no one is going to spot you entering or exiting another colleague’s room, think again. You never know who is lurking around the corner.

And on that note, travelers, I bid you farewell. See you in the lobby…

[by Robert Hookey]

[The preceding article is a guest submission for NiagaraHub.com – the content or opinion expressed within does not necessarily reflect the opinion of NiagaraHub.