The Ups and Downs of an Elevator Strike [by Robert Hookey]

July 1, 2013 By 2 Comments

 

I love zombie flicks, not because they’re the flavor of the month in popular culture, but because they tell you everything you need to know about the human race’s ability to cope with a crisis.

Zombie films paint a clear picture of man’s inability to confront his greatest fear: the fall of modern society.

Watch any film in the zombie genre and you’ll see the greatest threat lies within. Zombies are the secondary threat. Any protagonist worth his salt knows keep one eye on his fellow man and the other on his shotgun or machete.

(Bear with me, we’ve reached the point at last.)

In the last week I have watched helplessly as seemingly-ordinary travelers degenerate into living zombies, incapable of rational thought or action. Their tipping point? The simple act of waiting for an elevator.

Please allow me to explain.

If at all possible, block out the static and array of images that regularly clog our brains (mortgage payments, unrealized dreams, troubles at work, the latest antics of that twerp with the lesbian haircut and the undeserved career), and picture this scenario, if you will:

You’ve directed your hard-earned salary to a single noble cause, a break from the daily grind and all its challenges.
The family/spouse are loaded up and you head out.
You pick a luxury hotel and brave traffic and the summer heat to get there.
You wait in line.
You maneuver the crowds and drag your luggage to a bank of elevators.
It is at that moment that you realize Fate has you in its sights.
Most of the elevators are out of service.
You curse Fate.
Travel in this day and age is laced with a heavy dose of irony; a vacation is supposed to be filled with relaxation, a buzz or ten and if at all possible, a few doses of afternoon delight, not tension, mind-numbing sobriety and zero afternoon delights.

However, as a bellman in Niagara Falls, Ontario, I can tell you with absolute certainty that thousands of this city’s hotel guests are currently trapped with a vacation nightmare, courtesy of the International Union of Elevator Constructors (IUEC).

The IUEC has been locked in a strike action for eight weeks now and the crossfire is beginning to hit the tourist industry where it lives: the ole money belt.

Attractions like the Journey Behind the Falls have suffered breakdowns – a ridiculously rare occurrence – and over a hundred tourists at a time have been terrified, frustrated and confused when they should have been awestruck, joyful and calm.

Hotels have had to award their guests financial remuneration for their inconvenience.

Guests have had to check their tempers and subdue their urges to physically assault each other while waiting for an elevator to arrive. In some cases they have failed miserably.

Service workers like myself have had to develop a set of negotiating skills worthy of a United nations ambassador in order to convince an increasingly hostile public to hand over a gratuity after waiting thirty minutes or longer for service.

Personally, I’m accustomed to chanelling my inner Murray and dazzling guests with my dry humor. The key is to do away with the “Us vs. Them” mentality that has dominated my industry for decades and establishing a relationship of trust. My guests need to realize they’re dealing with a fellow working class dog and not a soulless “yes man” with no empathy for their wants and needs.

But my efforts are sometimes as useful as spitting on a brush fire when it comes to quelling the anger of a mob hellbent on exacting revenge on whomever is responsible for threatening the sanctity of their vacation. Seriously, I’ve had to break up fist fights between mothers pushing baby strollers.

Among the angry declarations I have been confronted with over the course of the last few days, the following stand head and shoulders above the rest:

“I can’t wait for an elevator, I’m tripping!”
“My kids become cannibals when they get hungry. I need to get going NOW!”
“This is 2013, why are web waiting for an elevator? Things shouldn’t break down in 2013!”
“We just drove fifteen hours to get here, why I waiting for an elevator? This is no way to treat black people!”

If I’ve done my job correctly you’re smiling right now, but fair warning, things are about to get all-too real, as the kids say.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2013, 10 a.m.

As I made my way to our service elevators to embark on my first call of the day, I was confronted with the second scenario I would like you to envision.

While drinking in the majestic beauty of Niagara Falls, your chest begins to tighten.

Breathing requires a Herculean effort.

You are confronted with your own mortality.

While waiting for a EMS crew to arrive you are informed every elevator in the hotel is out of service.

You wait and consider the wisdom of choosing Niagara over a less dangerous destination. Like Beirut.

And so I stood for ten minutes – which, in an emergency situation is equal to an hour – with two emergency workers, six firemen, three construction workers, eight renovation workers, a houseman and several enraged, frustrated guests who wandered back and forth through our service area.

Then the worst-case scenario unfolded.

A second EMS crew arrived for an entirely different emergency.

Then a third.

Never mind inconvenience, this situation had become a matter of life and death. Who would have been held accountable had a life, or worse, three, been lost?

The hotel?

The emergency workers?

The IUEC?

The elevator companies whose operating tactics inspired this strike in the first place?

Personally, I know who I have been blaming for weeks now, but finger-pointing is, well, pointless. We’ve already crossed the point of no return and a bottomless chasm looms in the distance.

I believe in the principle upon which unions were originally founded; the little guy needs a voice with some power and authority behind it, but in a strike action there is no winner.

This strike has cost Ontario hotels at the very least, tens of thousands of dollars in compensation to irate guests.

It has cost untold damage to the relationship between elevator companies and their clients.

It has inspired hundreds of travelers to flood sites like TripAdvisor with angry comments and warnings to other travelers to avoid certain hotels solely on the basis of their elevator service.

And finally, it has inspired me to vent my frustrations in this forum, something I am reluctant to do as I have always enjoyed a friendly relationship with every elevator repairman I’ve encountered over the years.

As of this writing a new collective agreement was reached on Friday afternoon between the International Union of Elevator Constructors Local 50 and the National Elevator Escalator Association.

Techs were back on the job immediately and repairs have begun, although it will take more than a tool belt and years of experience to repair the damage this strike has wrought to the human factor involved in techs’ relationships with their clients.

That’s all for now, folks. See you in the lobby… I’ll most likely be the one slowly banging his head against the elevator door.

[by Robert Hookey]

[The preceding article is a guest submission for NiagaraHub.com – the content or opinion expressed within does not necessarily reflect the opinion of NiagaraHub.

Filed Under: Featured Stories, Humor

Why Attending Niagara Falls Comic Con Could Save Your Soul [by Robert Hookey]

June 6, 2013 By 3 Comments

A bold proclamation, to be sure, but fortune favors the foolish, so here goes…

1) Cons can be the lighthouse guiding you to shore.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to navigate some pretty choppy waters lately and as the young people say, it sucks. I’m looking forward to losing myself in a sea of brightly colored nerds, overpriced swag, celebrities – some of whom haven’t been culturally relevant for twenty years, but are still cool – and various cool attractions like the General Lee and the Batcopter. All for a ticket that costs less than a trip to a big city convention that can’t compete with our region’s natural beauty and charm.

I want to leave my worries behind and drift from table to table, attraction to attraction and just be a geek for a day. And the best part? At a con no one will dare stuff you in a locker.

2) Adulthood has its perks, but being a kid rules!

How many times did you utter the phrase, “When I grow up, I’m going to (Fill in the blank)” during childhood? Growing up, we simply cannot wait to leave childhood things behind. Yes, there are those who hang onto the joys of youth with a death-grip, but sadly, those individuals are in the minority. Most of us find a mate, sign our names to a mortgage, grow a gut and wait for death to claim us while exclaiming “If only I had more time!”

But when you pass the threshold of a con, everything changes. You regress, but in a positive way. You’ll still have the receding hairline and the love handles, but the air smells a little fresher – although that changes after a few hours in an enclosed space jam packed with thousands of people, some of whom have low priorities when it comes to personal hygiene – the colors your eyes drink in seem more vibrant and the world just seems to contain more magic than you’ve detected in years.

There are no mortgage payments at Comic Con. No work related drama. No marital strife. (Although, I have seen a few brawls occur when a husband lingers too long at the table of a female celebrity he had a crush on when he was a kid.)

If you’re really lucky you’ll spot a toy or trinket that casts your mind back to a cherished childhood memory. In my case, the 1966 Batmobile is sure to take me back to my parents rec room where the Hookey clan gathered to watch the family-friendly version of the Dark Knight conquer evil while doing the Batusi.

(For those of you who have no idea what the Batusi is, we’ll wait for you while you click over to Google.)

Back already? Good for you! As I was saying, I’ve seen middle-aged three-hundred-pound bikers reduced to nine-year-old quivering fanboys upon discovering that Buck Rogers lunchbox their dead mother used to pack their lunch in back in the day.

Never underestimate the power of nostalgia, my friends.

3) Adam West.

Half of you are smiling right now. The other half are groaning. Love him or hate him, West has a cultural appeal that only William Shatner can touch. He’s inspired untold millions of young souls to pursue their dreams and while some consider him a joke, I’ll always respect any man who could don that outfit and say those lines with full authenticity and passion.

Plus, he’s willing to laugh at himself on Family Guy and he’s from Walla Walla, Washington. How cool is that?

4) Meeting the people behind your dreams is an experience you can’t put into words.

But I’m going to try anyway.

Admittedly, this one is directed at hardcore, lifelong comic book fans like myself, but you’ll forgive the indulgence, right? Thanks, you’re great.

Comic book creators are a special breed; they are the chosen few who are blessed with the ability to tap into mankind’s collective unconscious and relate their experiences to paper. They see our dreams and bring them to life. They stare into the abyss containing our nightmares and help us move past them. If you don’t believe me just pick up a copy of Art Spiegelman’s 1991 graphic novel Maus and prepare to be amazed and moved simultaneously.

Maus depicts Spiegelman interviewing his father about his experiences as a Holocaust survivor. The book uses postmodern techniques – Jews are mice, Germans are cats and non-Jewish Poles are pigs – to illustrate the ultimate example of man’s inhumanity to man. In 1992 it became the first graphic novel to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Personally, I can’t wait to meet comic industry legend George Perez, whose work got me through more than one wave of seemingly-relentless bullying. His work is clean, crisp and powerful. The man could draw the phone book and I’d enthralled.

5) Cons are fun for the whole family!

Any parent who has exhausted their last nerve attempting to select a movie that appeals to every member of the family, only to lose their mind upon arriving at the multiplex and being forced to spend twenty minutes in line at the concession stand and an additional fifteen arguing over which ridiculously overpriced snacks to purchase, will see the value in events that hold a little something for everyone.

Gaming. Video games. Wrestling. Models. Celebrities. Toys. Cool cars. Maybe even an actual comic book or two. You’ll find everything under the sun – or, since we’re talking about a comic con, everything under the dim florescent lights of your parents’ basement – at a con.

If your kids complain of boredom while attending a con, get new kids.

6) Cons bring in some serious coin.

The premiere comic book convention, the San Diego Comic-Con, draws thousands of comic book fans

Filed Under: Featured Stories

The Hook’s Guide To Travel: Corporate Drone Edition [by Robert Hookey]

May 28, 2013 By 4 Comments

(Before we begin: Please bear in mind that this “guide” is directed at the 20% of business travelers who fail to exercise good judgement during company retreats and should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Also, no lesbians were harmed in the writing of this column.)

So you’re a low-level drone for a faceless corporate entity whose company has chosen Niagara Falls for the location of that dreaded age-old Big Business tradition: the out-of-town conference.

For many of us in the hospitality industry, Hell is translated into our language using two words: corporate retreat.

Don’t get me wrong, we realize how important Big Business is to maintaining a healthy bottom line – especially in the off-season – but conferences are the ultimate double-edged sword; they’ll keep your business alive, but they’ll challenge you in ways you could never have imagined.

In an attempt to keep my rather tenuous grip on my ever-fading sanity, I’ve designed this handy guide for corporate drones on the move. Although to be clear, it can easily be applied to teachers’ conferences, nursing retreats or any business function designed to test my patience.

PACKING:

Be smart when packing and think carefully about your choices. Sounds simple, right?

I’ve seen it a million times before: drones stumble into the lobby, their bags overstuffed, their briefcases bulging, their brains empty. They are a complete and total hot mess. Completely disorganized and disheveled.

And the conference hasn’t even started.

How do you expect to wrest that promotion away from that weasel Johnson if you can’t even get from Point A to Point B without wiping out in the lobby? (To clarify, I was speaking metaphorically, although, I have seen more than one corporate drone literally stumble to the ground.) Follow these guidelines and you’ll get where you’re going with a minimum of difficulty.

Be clear when checking in with the doorman/valet.

Some companies hold their functions in one location while housing their staff in another. Know where you’re supposed to be at all times!

Pack ONLY what you REALLY need.

Do the math in terms of having enough business attire to last and make sure you pack a few ties – food is designed to leap onto ties during conferences – and a pair of comfortable dress shoes and sneakers. This practice of packing only what you need and nothing more can be applied to your entire life at work. An uncluttered suitcase can lead to an uncluttered mind, grasshopper.

Use real luggage!

Keep the cloth shopping bags at home. Use a large suitcase if you’re small one is bulging. A billionaire – which I’m assuming you’re hoping to be someday – is organized at all times.

Pack the proper accessories – and bring extras!

Pack an extra phone charger and sunglasses if you need them. For that matter, any accessory designed to make your life easier should be carried in multiples. The last thing you want to do is waste valuable schmoozing time standing at the concierge desk waiting to beg for a phone charger while that weasel Johnson plants his lips firmly on your boss’ rotund behind….

Use a bellman, you cheap bugger!

I’m obviously biased, but think about it: you’re tired, confused and all you want is to get to the room so you can catch your breath before The Corporate Hunger Games, I mean the conference, can begin. So why not avail yourself of the services of someone who knows the lay of the land and can get you to your room quickly and easily? Trust me, it will be worth the five dollar tip.

So let’s assume you’ve made it to the room with a minimal amount of delay and trouble; now what? Your troubles are far from over, my friend.

UNPACKING:

Once again, organization is key. Companies will often have arranged for bell staff to deliver swag bags to their employees’ rooms and so you can believe me when I tell you that most corporate rooms make the dwelling of the average teenager look like the Garden of Eden.

The average hotel room of a “suit” will look like this:

Casual attire has been thrown about in the same manner a Simian hurls his own waste.
The ironing board always has an article of partially-pressed clothing hanging from it.
Open containers of food and drink are strewn about.
Itineraries and various work materials are haphazardly piled to form Mount St. Corporate Disaster in the middle of the room.

This is not the room of someone destined to climb the corporate ladder.

If your corporate paperwork is threatening to crush you, bring a bin.
Plenty of leftover food and drinks? Mankind recently invented something called a garbage can that may be just what you need.
Most hotels will install a closet equipped with at least two hangers for your clothing.

Consider this: During a conference the average company will have gifts delivered to the rooms of their employees. More often than not, a representative of the company will accompany a bellman to ensure the gifts are placed in the appropriate location in the room.

Employees that leave their rooms looking like Delta House (For the uninitiated that was the name of the frat house in the movie Animal House. If you didn’t know that, don’t tell anyone.), may very well not live to tell the tale…

A clean, organized room reflects your mental state, so focus and before you know it, you’ll be hobnobbing – whatever that actually is – with management on the golf course or strip club. (Trust me, both locations are equally popular with the corporate set.)

MINGLING:

This is key when attending a retreat. Never mind the latest innovations in number crunching or collating; the real action occurs between the boring speeches and the buffets, that’s when you make the contacts that can prove invaluable. But how do you do that, you ask?

LISTEN CLOSELY. Its really that simple. Just make whoever is speaking feel as though they’re giving the Gettysburg Address and you’ll win them over.

DON’T GOSSIP. Backstabbing may be a tradition in the business world, but taking the high road never fails to yield dividends. Ignore revealing the details of the latest corporate coupling and stick to the business at hand.

SELL YOURSELF, BUT NEVER BRAG. You’re a businessperson, so sell the most valuable commodity you have, but don’t be a fanatic about it.

And finally, the most valuable piece of advice I can share, cultivated from fifteen years of observing the corporate animal and split into two separate,yet equally valuable parts…

KEEP WORK AND PLAY SEPARATED, FOR THEY DO NOT MIX WELL!

As I scribble this message in a weathered notebook, a prostitute is slinking through the lobby after pausing at my desk for directions to a specific room, a room belonging to a married corporate drone whose luggage I delivered earlier. The gentleman has already dropped the ball and his retreat has barely begun.

If the bellman is aware of his shenanigans, how long before his colleagues clue in?

NEVER DIP YOUR PEN IN COMPANY INK!

Yes, quills are outdated, but the premise still holds water, especially during a conference. The forbidden nature of office romances make them an indulgence most drones cannot resist; that appeal is only heightened during a company retreat, so caution must be exercised. If you think no one is going to spot you entering or exiting another colleague’s room, think again. You never know who is lurking around the corner.

And on that note, travelers, I bid you farewell. See you in the lobby…

[by Robert Hookey]

[The preceding article is a guest submission for NiagaraHub.com – the content or opinion expressed within does not necessarily reflect the opinion of NiagaraHub.

Filed Under: Featured Stories, Humor

The Hook’s Field Guide To Hotel Guests [by Robert Hookey]

May 8, 2013 By 7 Comments

Old Man Winter’s frigid grip has finally loosened and we’re free of his icy prison for another year. (Don’t get the wrong idea: I don’t hate winter as much as I hate the snow, the cold and the lack of daylight.)

But here’s the good news: with the warmer temperatures comes the desire to indulge Man’s greatest instinct – and I’m not referring to painting oneself wild colors and screaming at referees – but rather, travel. The longing to explore strange new worlds and civilizations actually predates Bill Shatner’s voice overs and has helped define our role as the dominant species on this mudball.

Simply put, travel is in our blood.

So as you tranquilize the rugrats, overload the minivan and download routes into your GPS (Sometimes I actually miss maps you could never refold or understand. Remember them?), bear something in mind: if you’re not willing to have fun while traveling, you’re better off staying home and punishing yourself in a less painful manner. Like watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo reruns, for example.

But if you’re willing to truly commit yourself and give this travel thing a whirl, here is a little guide to spotting and identifying some of the colorful creatures you’re sure to see along the way.

1) THE EXPERT: This one’s easy. This is the guy or gal you’ll most likely come across in the parking garage or valet deck of your hotel. They’ll be doling out unwanted advice to a bellman or their spouse on packing or unpacking their vehicle. For that matter, they’ll be dishing out tips on every single facet of the travel experience to anyone who will listen.

Dining companions will be enlightened about the many flaws of the restaurant, the servers and of course, the food.
Anyone in earshot will hear about how inefficient the check-in experience is and how it can be fixed in one easy step.
The housekeepers are sloppy.
The valet drivers are reckless.
The fun never starts.

2) THE TRAVELING HOOKER: They prefer to be referred to as “escorts” or “paid companions” nowadays, but they’ll always be hookers to me. They may be a little more difficult to spot for some but just look for these telltale signs.

Their “friend” – to be precise, his name is John – is always waaay out of his league.
Watch for a few moments and you’ll see her develop a look of quiet desperation whenever he isn’t looking, which is often, as they rarely make eye contact. (That’s her mind coming to grips with what her hands have to come to grips with to make a living.)
She may be traveling with a colleague. Some guys like to really push themselves and stock up on the hookers – and if they’re smart, the vitamins – while traveling.

If you feel your skills are polished enough, try looking for the Traveling Hooker with the female client. (Yes, they’re actually out there.) The female clients are also out of their weight class, but the difference lies in the eyes of their companions; hookers that cater to lesbians don’t seem so jaded and desperate for some reason. Although they do tend to have a distinctive way of walking…

3) THE UFC COUPLE: As in “Unlimited Fighting Couple”, as in that couple everyone knows that seem to fight everywhere they go. They’re easy to spot: they’re the people who make everyone around them cringe and think “Maybe my relationship isn’t so bad – and we’ve exchanged gunfire!”

The bicker about who is going to park and who is going to check-in.
They bicker about the results of their respective tasks.
In hushed tones and close talking, screaming, they bicker at dinner.
And of course, they bicker at night, when the noises from their room should be carnal in nature.

Speaking of which, next up…
4) THE AMATEUR ADULT FILM STAR COUPLE: Needless to say, the noises emanating from their room – and the public hot tub, the elevator, the roof and even the maintenance shop – are definitely carnal in nature and make an HBO program look like something you’d find on PBS! Another interesting fact about these two animals: 99% of the time they’re unmarried or newlyweds…

5) THE PACK OF COUGARS: Soccer moms or even grandmas during the week, older versions of any female you’d see on MTV on the weekend. Cougars are deadly enough individually, but in a pack they have been known to lay waste to entire hotels in a single weekend. You can always spot a cougar by the tight vintage clothing, the excessive make-up/Boto, and the low growling and excessive drool.
Fun Fact: In North America, a bellman/bartender/hotel employee is mauled by a cougar every fifteen minutes. That time is reduced by half in the summer. Survivors all say the same thing when questioned by authorities: “They all looked like my mom’s friends from her book club. I feel so… unclean.”

6) THE WILD CHILD: To be clear, I am referring to that one ridiculously loud child who is literally bouncing off the walls of the lobby. (I guarantee the kid had two Red Bulls before noon.) The Wild Child’s progenitors are parents in name only, and allow their larvae to run amok rather than undertaking the all-too difficult task of actually providing the guidance and friendship necessary to produce a productive, civilized member of society.
This rugrat on acid will test your resolve, but stay strong, friends. Sooner or later the Wild Child will grow up to be a Walmart manager and fate will have exacted revenge on your behalf.

7) THE HARDCORE GAMBLER: There are a few things to look for when scoping out a hotel lobby in search of this individual.

His attire is several years out of date and dirty. (Money is for gambling, not clothes shopping!)
His hair is messy.
His eyes are bloodshot.
Naturally, his bling is plentiful and has most likely been pawned several times.

There are high-end Hardcore Gamblers, but they are a mutant offshoot of the species and rarely emerge from casinos as the harsh light of day has been known to blind them permanently.
One last item of note concerning the Hardcore Gambler: found primarily in areas with organized gambling dens nearby, this individual is prone to mood swings that have been known to become violent. When he’s on a roll, he’s the life of the party, the kind of guy everyone loves. When Lady Luck is not smiling favorably upon him, your best bet is to run for cover.

THE SWAMP DONKEY: Admittedly, I am not a big fan of the term, which originated in fraternities and bars across North America, but in some cases it certainly applies, hence its inclusion here. Swamp Donkeys are similar to Cougars in that they both prefer to travel in packs. However, there are a few distinctions.

They are younger, certainly, but also their nubile forms have yet to display the ravages of alcohol, tobacco or recreational drug use.
“Personal massage devices” can be found in the luggage of most Swamp Donkeys. (To clarify, these devices have a hair trigger and seem to activate as soon as their owner enters a hotel. Cougars prefer to hunt for live, human conquests.)

9) BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE PARTIES: If you have children – or self-respect – avoid these individuals at all costs. They are out to do some serious damage before embarking on a lifetime (5 to 10 years, max) of matrimonial happiness. And that’s all I have to say about that – for now.

And finally…

10) THE HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED FAMILY: As far as I’m concerned, they’re an urban myth. Period.

In closing, bear in mind this guide has barely scratched the grimy sticky surface of the modern hospitality industry. I’ll be publishing further installments in the future. Assuming I survive the season, that is.

Enjoy life on the open road, folks.

[by Robert Hookey – Read more by Robert Hookey at http://www.youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com ]

Filed Under: Featured Stories, Humor

Bellman Teaches Young Girl Why Falls Trumps Vegas [By Robert Hookey]

April 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

[By Robert Hookey]

Before we begin, there are two things you should know about me:

I have been a bellman in Niagara Falls

Filed Under: Featured Stories

The Hook Weighs In

December 19, 2012 By 1 Comment

[by author Robert Hookey]

A recent 20/20 report (

Filed Under: Featured Stories

The Bellman Chronicles: Shining a Light on Mankind

September 5, 2012 By

Robert Hookey is not only a writer/blogger/author, but also an award winning bellman (yes, they hand out awards for that).

Filed Under: Entertainment, Featured Stories, Humor, Music & Arts